I’m Not Dead, Just Floating March 5, 2012

Hello world! I bet you thought I died or was abducted by some cult that forced me to not blog and eat only sour patch kids while tied to a sofa. You didn’t think that? Oh..and here I thought everyone’s brain functioned on the same level of insanity to which I have become accustomed. Well, I haven’t blogged in a few months and that is because I have been going through a bit of malarkey lately. When I say “a bit of malarkey” I mean a fucking shitload of stupid and annoying circumstances have been screwing with my life and making me sad/angry/depressed/homocidle. As you already know from my last post, my Kia Rio kicked the bucket in December of 2011 and I was stuck with no car for a few weeks until Noah offered to help me get a new one. Not even my own parents had offered or even thought to help me out like that, but Noah did. I was blown away by it so of course I agreed and about two weeks later I had found the car I wanted. After some research I decided to get a 2012 Kia Soul. I have owned a kia in the past and for the most part it was a great vehicle so I wanted to get the same make as before. Also Kia Souls are adorable lol January 4th was the day Noah and I went to the Kia dealership to get my car and I was so freakin excited I could barely see straight. It was such a nice feeling getting into a brand new car that was all for me 🙂 It was leased under his name but the car was for me to drive so I took it home that night and gushed to my friends about my amazing boss Noah and my beautiful new car. The next morning I got up and to my surprise I had a wicked kink in my neck. It felt like whiplash and hurt so bad that I had to have my boyfriend help me out of bed. I couldn’t even turn my neck. I know I hadn’t slept wrong because a mere hour before my alarm went off I woke up for a brief moment to check the time and my neck was just fine. How it managed to kink up in under an hour was beyond me. I worked the kink out and shook it off as nothing then went to grab my coat. As I was shaking my coat (cat fur on it) the buckle came up and blasted me on my cuticle leaving a lovely little blood blister behind. This was all weird to me because I never get hurt. I don’t stub my toe on things, or fall down, or even get paper cuts..ever..so the fact that this morning started off with pain made me wary. I always listen to my instincts and my “gut” so I took these as signs that I should just stay home but it was the day after my boss bought me a car so the last thing I was gonna do was call in sick so I sucked it up, got into my pretty new car, and headed off to work. About 3 miles away from my office I was passing by a motel 6. The same motel 6 that I pass every other day but today was different. Today was the day that two car jackers hopped up on methamphetamine decided to drive full speed out of the motel 6 parking lot entrance and directly into my new car. They knocked my car over two lanes into oncoming traffic but luckily nobody was in the other lanes at the time. The airbags went off leaving lovely little bruises on my forearm and a cloud of smoke emerged from the dashboard. I got my shit together, calmed myself down, then got out of the car.

My Poor Busted Kia

I was kind of in shock so I couldn’t stand up straight at the time, I could only hunch over. I bet it was actually a pretty funny sight to see me hunching over and walking across the street like a 90 year old lady to talk to the idiots that hit me. If only I had that on camera. I got over to the couple (a man and woman) and the first words out of my mouth were “Did you not see me?!” To which the methed out man replied “There was a bush!” He then pointed at the bush in question which shot up about 2 feet off the ground. My car is 5-6 feet off the ground so how it was that this tiny bush prevented him from seeing me is beyond my realm of comprehension but then I don’t smoke meth so… I guess we are just on different levels of rationale. I called the cops and as I was doing so the two methies were huddled together having a conversation. The only words I kept hearing were “I’ve got warrants” so they were clearly outstanding citizens. As we were waiting for the cops to arrive the methies told me they were staying at the Motel 6 and that they were going to their room to grab some information. I never saw them again. The cops arrived and I very shakily told them what had happened. They took my statement and searched the other car to find the information of the other drivers. The name of the car was a Michele Smith. The driver told me his name was Brian and I didn’t even ask the name of his druggie woman because I was such a mess from the wreck that I couldn’t even think straight. After the tow truck driver took my car away my boyfriend showed up and took me home to deal with the mess of insurance that was about to begin. I had all the information on the other car since the cops let me see the insurance card for the other vehicle so I called her insurance provider and gave my claim. Here comes the worst part of the story: Claim was denied. Michele Smith wasn’t in the car because it was stolen from her which is also what the metro detective that called me said. Since my car was leased under Noah’s name and not mine I was shit out of luck. We had gotten the car 10 hours before the accident so I hadn’t put it on my insurance yet. No insurance. The car would have to be fixed out of my own pocket. The car was taken to the impound yard and in order to get it back it cost me $600 on top of having to pay a notary to sign me over power of attorney on the vehicle since only the owner can get it out of impound and again…Noah’s name is on the car, not mine. After the mess with the impound I then had to have my car towed (again) to a mechanic. I told him I could only afford to make the car drivable and that the cosmetic damage would have to be fixed later on. Two weeks later he finally called back with an estimate: $3,500. Of which I had about $200. It’s funny, I got a Kia thinking it would be cheap only to have the mechanic tell me that my parts cost as much as a Mercedes does to replace. Neat. I asked another boss of mine Mordi to loan me the money and he did so without a second thought. He just said “yeah no problem”. Granted…he is rich so money is not an issue to him but I was shocked again to find that someone not related to me was so willing to help me when I needed it most. I got the money and told the grease monkey to get started on fixing my car which took him one month and three days. It was now February 26th and I finally had my car back. The next day I noticed that the airbag light was flashing, which means they did not fix my car properly and it had to be taken back to the mechanic. At this point I lost my shit. I was doing so well at holding myself together and keeping my chin up for the past 2 months but I just couldn’t take anymore. After all that had happened my car still wasn’t fixed, even though I had paid over 3 grand for it. I had a meltdown. I cried like a baby and cursed a God I don’t believe in for “picking on me”. I felt like the world was against me and that I couldn’t win so I slipped into a bit of a depression. There is more to it than just the car, but this blog is long enough already so I will just say that 2012 has not been kind to Vuko in many ways.  I couldn’t even take the car back yet because the car wasn’t registered. I had been waiting to get the car back to do so but now I couldn’t even take it back to the mechanic because it took them so long to “fix” it that the paper plates had expired. The last thing I wanted was for the car to end up back in the impound so I didn’t drive it. Today I finally registered the car ( I finally could afford it) and now I can drive it again! I still have to take it back to the mechanic/pig fucker to fix the airbag light since he did it wrong the first fucking time but I am just stoked to be able to legally drive the dam thing again. For the past 2 weeks or so I have been driving my sister-in-laws busted looking Saturn.

Busted Old Saturn Dashboard

Beautiful New Kia Dashboard

I know I should just be grateful to have had the car at all since so many people take the bus but going from the brand new 2012 to the old busted 2001 car killed me. Now I have my car back and can focus on moving into my new place on the 12th of March! I am so excited to be getting a nicer place since I hate the area of town I live in right now. I am still stressed out though since I have to pay all the moving expenses of this new place on top of the fact that I owe Mordi 3 grand…on top of my credit card debt and the stupid amount of money I still owe to Verizon. *sigh* mountains of debt and I still have to fix the cars cosmetic damage but at least now I have found my smile again and don’t feel like jumping off a bridge like I did a few weeks ago. I feel like I am finally getting my life back together after the accident destroyed everything. It was crazy, I went from being the happiest I had ever been getting my new car to the most destroyed I have ever felt after the crash and all within 24 hours. Oh to be an adult. So much crap we have to experience. But hey, I got some serious life lessons all handed out in one incident and I feel as though I more capable of being able to handle situations like that should I ever encounter them again. You live, you learn. Also NEVER drive a car you are not insured on. I know you are thinking “Hey what are the odds of something happening?” but trust me fool…the odds are very good and you never know when life is going to bitch-slap you with a wake up call out of nowhere. And that has pretty much been my life for the past 2 and a half months. New car, accident, malarkey, now moving into a brand new place. I know some of you will read this and think “Oh this bitch and her first-world problems, waaah my car, waaah my debt” and I agree. These are silly problems when compared to the starvation and death of thousands of other people but these problems are mine and I feel strongly about them. I was always conflicted when I would start to cry and tell myself “How can you be sad about a hunk of metal and paper money when you have a roof over your head and food in your fridge?” but the tears still came. There was always a battle raging in my mind about whether I had to right to be depressed when I had so many other things to be thankful for but it is hard to keep that all in mind when one thing after another just keeps knocking you down no matter how hard you are trying to stand tall. I kept getting up though and here I am smiling again 🙂 Shit happens people, it happens all the time and often when you least expect it but hopefully you have the kind of support that I had from my friends, boss, and my future husband George. If it wasn’t for any of them I would be completely lost.

So now I finally have my car back and all is well with that 🙂 On Top of everything else going on we are moving into a new place on March 12th! No more ghetto little neighborhood, we are moving on up to the good part of town or as us locals know it, Summerlin. I have some photos from the website of the place I am moving into and I will have better ones once me and Jessica go Martha Stewart on that bitch and decorate it up with all of our nerd decor.

My New Living Room 🙂 It has cute bay windows too

A Picture From Outside

One of my favorite things about the new place is that it has stairs 😀 Not only will that provide me with a fun mini workout each day but I am very much looking forward to using my slinky on those bitches. So the year started off pretty shitty but it seems as though everything is beginning to turn around for the best. New place, new car (that I can finally drive again lol). What else is there…oh! My older and only brother Jeff is engaged. Again. He has been engaged about two times before this and it sucks that I can’t just be happy for him but he jumps so fast into relationships and rushes them so it worries me that he is trying to get married without thinking it through. Marriage is a BIG deal to me. Yes, divorce is an option if it doesn’t work out but the idea behind getting married isn’t “let’s hope it works out and if not oh well” it should be “This is the human I cannot live without and must have them in my life forever to be truly happy”. I just think that he is at an age that he always thought he would be married by now, with kids already and since he doesn’t have it he is trying to grab onto it with whoever he is dating at the time. The last girl he got engaged to, thinking she was ‘the one’ was a horrible little hobbit woman named Jet with a shitty personality and when they broke up she tried to take his dog whom he loves more than he loves me lol. That was the girl he was so sure of then so I have trouble trusting his judgement now. He hasn’t even told our parents that he is getting married yet because he doesn’t want to hear the speech they will inevitably give him about how he is moving too fast and should slow down. He has only known this girl for little over a year now. That is not sufficient time to really KNOW a person and their mannerisms and how they react in certain situations enough to want to spend the rest of your days with them. I just worry about him. I want him to be as happy as my parents are and as happy as I am with my man. I told him I wouldn’t rat him out to the parents and leave that up to him to tell them and it is soo hard to not tell them. I am horrible at keeping secrets lol They eat away at my brain until I share them with someone the same way my money burns tiny holes in my pockets forcing me to spend it all.

I think that is pretty much it. Things at work are crazy busy so I have lots to do between the move, work, and life in general. I usually like to blog about my life once every month and I always feel like a slacker when I miss a month so I will try to keep up with them now for the 3 or 4 of you that actually have interest in my weird little ass. I will blog again after we are all moved into the new place and things have settled down. Have a great Monday and thanks for taking the time out to read this post of mine 🙂

Broken Cars and Aquatic Hatred December 20, 2011

Hello world! So it has been awhile since I posted a blog and I like to do one at least every month so that you don’t forget I exist 😀 The last few weeks has been…interesting to say the least. I guess we can start with the biggest issue in my life right now, which would be my car or lack there-of. About two weeks ago I was driving downtown near the Hard Rock when my car suddenly died. It was pretty random too, it didn’t make a  putting sound or die slowly it just literally shut off as though somebody flipped the “off” switch in my vehicle. I coasted my ass over to the side of the road and turned on my flashers so no muppet would hit me from behind. That’s what she said. Then I opened the hood and looked in at the engine as though I knew what I was looking for, like I had any clue what to do if I found the problem. It just made me feel better to open the hood I guess since that is what people typically do in a situation like that. I flagged down a few cars and none of them could help me. The first two people had no jumper cables and the cab that stopped to help me couldn’t do so for legal reasons. Here is a Fun Fact for you: If your car breaks down in Vegas the taxi drivers aren’t allowed to jump your car for liability reasons. Something about how if your car gets shorted out you can sue them or some shit. I called my bestie Jessica to come help me and when she arrived we googled “how to use jumper cables” lol Pathetic, I know, but we always have guys around to help us with that stuff so we didn’t actually know how to do it ourselves. We tried it and nothing happened so I sent Jessica into the Double Down Saloon to ask some big beefy dude to help us out. She emerged less than a minute later with some big biker dude. He tried to jump my car but it turns out it was totally broken so the jump did nothing. The goggles do nothing!! lol sorry. Random Simpsons moment. So anywho, big biker dude pushed my car into the parking lot of the Saloon and me and Jess called a tow truck. This was actually pretty amusing because it was really hard to find a tow truck driver at 3am that spoke English. Major language barrier here. When we finally got a hold of somebody his ringback tone was Madonna’s Like a Virgin. We laughed for like..10 minutes over that one. What 50 something year old Mexican tow truck driver like Madonna songs? Random. The next day we dropped my stupid car off at to be fixed and didn’t hear back from the mechanic for 2 days. At which point he told me they had no idea what happened to my car or why it broke but they DO know that I need a brand new engine. Of course I do. You don’t know how or why but you know you want me to give you about two thousand dollars huh? Yeah, no thanks. So I had my car towed back to my parents house where it now sits in their driveway…missing me…collecting dust. *le sigh* But never fear! My super awesome boss Noah is going to help me buy a new car so I should be mobile before the end of the year 🙂 I really do haaate being driven around by other people, it makes me feel like I’m 15 years old again. Coupled with the fact that I hate asking people for favors, this makes for one shitty situation but it could be sooo much worse. At least it was my car that broke down and not me or my body lol I could be in the hospital or something but nope, just my car. Things can always be worse people, remember that.

I have also noticed something about video games that I think is some kind of conspiracy: Water is evil. In dam near every video game I have ever played, the water themed level is not only super hard but exceedingly annoying. We are all familiar with the fuckery known as The Water Temple from Ocarina of Time but let’s explore this theory further, shall we? Sonic The Hedgehog on the Sega. All the levels were challenging yet fun, until you get to the Labyrinth Zone and have to deal with collecting little air bubbles, lest you die a painful death.

Then we have the Mario games, particularly Super Mario for the SNES. Great game, fun levels, except the water levels. Especially the Ghost Ship level….good lawd. Even in games like Scarface where if you fall into the water, you get eaten by a shark. A fucking shark son!

So what is it that video game developers have against H2O? Is it because they hate to shower? Bathing in general takes up precious video game time so maybe that is where this need to annoy us with water stems from. I can only assume.

I have to get back to doing something productive now so I will leave you know with this  comedy: http://youtu.be/Ly3OTtXdJEg    and the hopes that you and your loved ones have a great Christmas/Kwanzaa/Hanukkah/Robanukah or whatever it is you crazy kids celebrate these days.

This Is Halloween (Everybody Scream) November 1, 2011

Hello my little love muffins!! I hope you all had a safe and fun holiday weekend 🙂 Some people celebrated all weekend long but I chose to wait until the actual day of Halloween to bust out my costume. As most of you know from my Tumblr  and Twitter, my best friend Jessica and I decided to dress up as Daria and Jane from the 90s show Daria. Well..Daria was originally from Beavis and Butthead if you want to get technical..which I always do 😀 I bought the majority of my outfit on Ebay because I figured I would only wear most of the stuff once so why spend $200 on one-use items. That is madness and I am far too cheap for that. Especially the combat boots I was wearing, I mean..they were cute but that whole “I’m gonna rip your face off cuz i’m a badass chick” thing isn’t my style. I would say I’m more of a “I’m gonna load you a bowl in my bong and teach you to love everything” girl. Here are some pics of us at the apartment before going out:

I look suuuper excited

Jane Lane

Daria Morgendorffer

Before we went out we also watched Nightmare Before Christmas and Coraline whilst making Halloween cookies 😀

These are the cookies Jessica made 🙂

These are the cookies made by Vuko 🙂

None of us are into the nightclub scene so we opted to stroll around the Vegas Strip looking at all the tourists costumes and downing those delightful long beverages that can be purchased at your local Fat Tuesdays.

Mmmmm liquor

Outside of the Excalibur

We parked at Planet Hollywood and just walked from one end back going into random casinos along the way. It’s hard to remember things in order from last night since my brain is still throbbing from all the Bacardi 151 that was in my drink but I think we went from Planet Hollywood to the New York New York, then the Excalibur, then we walked back in the direction of City Center and ended up inside of the Aria. Then this happened:

Allll gone

Which of course led to this:

#FunFact Jessica's booty is like a pillow 🙂

And this:

We decided to start Vogue-ing next to the high fashion crap

"I work out"

Did you know that the Cosmopolitan has Umbrella Corporation art on it?

Then we met up with a friend of Jessica’s and headed back to the Planet Hollywood but on the way there people wanted to keep taking pictures with Jessica’s friend Matt lol Not sure why…he wasn’t even in a costume:

Maybe it's like Coming To America and he is the prince of some country I have never heard of

I also noticed that I was infatuated with butts that evening and spent a good portion of my time taking pictures of random girl’s rumps. Not creepy at all. Nope.

Wonder Woman booty

I'm actually really sad this one is blurry cuz that woman's ass was a thing of beauty

As we were walking around we came upon this random item. This kind of stuff is not at all weird in Vegas, I expect to see pool toys fully inflated and resting in a bush miles away from any pools or water of any kind.

Around 3am or so we decided to leave since I had to work this morning at 9:30 so we headed home and on the way grabbed my all time favorite food to eat when drunk: Del Taco! Here I am shoveling food into my mouthole:

Om nom

And that’s pretty much it! We drank long drinks, smoked a few bowl on the Strip, then went home to grub away on the floor like animals. All in all I would say it was a glorious evening. And to top it all off I only drunk texted one person instead of everyone in my phonebook like I usually do lol I get happy/loving when I am drunk and I like to share it so typically I end up drunk and texting 8 different friends at once. OH! I got a sticker for my laptop from my friends at Daps so I would like to shamelessly plug their website here and make sure you all check out:

http://dogandponyshowwebsite.com/

To show you how awesome they are just look at this lovely piece of artwork that they drew for me:

It is currently hanging in my Living room

Well, that’s all I have to say about thaayaaat. I would have to say overall I was unimpressed by the costumes I saw this year and am so tired of all the “sexy cop” shit. Next year I expect to see wicked awesome costumes like people dressed up as Pulsars and like…Cthulhu. Step your game up dam it! And now I will have that horrible “Step your game up” song stuck in my head all day. I blame you guys. Later!!!

Silent Fucking and TMobile Malarkey October 20, 2011

Greetings my loves!!! I hope you are all having a glorious day and if not, rest easy knowing that tomorrow is Friday 🙂 Also the simple fact that the Little Debbie snack food corporation is still around and pumping out individually wrapped pieces of heaven should be reason enough for you to smile. Life has been very good lately and I haven’t blogged in a few weeks so I thought I would come by and give some updates about mah life. Even if nobody reads these blogs of mine I like having them around so I can come back in a few years, read them, and not only see what was going on in my life at the time but also to giggle at how silly I can be from time to time.

The dust has finally settled from the whirlwind that was Jessica moving in and things are normal once again. I must say, living with your best friend is  awesome. It just feels like we are having a super extended slumber party. My sleep pattern has been a wee bit affected by it and by NO fault of hers. It is my own fault because I always wanna stay up late with her watching movies and looking at all the oddly shaped dicks on IsAnyoneUp.com even when I know I have to wake up the next day for work. The only other effect her moving in has had on me is my sex life. Not to say that I have less sex now that she lives with me, I just have much MUCH quieter sex lol Here is a Vuko Fun Fact for you: I am loud in bed. I’m not a tender moaner I am a screamer. Now that I have a roommate it’s rude to make her listen to my orgasms noises so I have been doing a really good job at not making any noise when I fuck. I have actually had some training in the art of the Quiet Fuck because when me and my boyfriend first started dating he moved in with me and my parents. We didn’t plan that it just..happened lol He would come over everyday and the first time we fell asleep in my room my Mom flung the door open and said in her angry voice “This is not a sleep-over!” but a week later he spent the night and they said nothing…so he stayed over again the next night…and the next night…and before we even realized it he was living with me and my parents and it was great. The only issue was of course the sex because the last thing I wanted was for my dad to be walking by my bedroom on the way to the kitchen only to have his ears raped with the sound of his only daughter being pounded out by her lover. Not cool. So needless to say we perfected the silent fucking and now that we have a roommate it is time to bust out those skills again so I don’t make the living situation awkward with my yells of pleasure. I really don’t wanna ever hear my friends fucking and I’m sure she feels the same way lol We decorated our place for Halloween too and here are some pictures of that:

The bloody weapon hangy-majigger that runs the length of my living room window

The classic "Do Not Enter" door tape

The Zombie guy next to my year-round zombie posters 🙂

Oooohs Ahhhhhhs

 

We went to Tmobile yesterday in an attempt to get the upgraded version of my phone but sadly..we encountered a bit of malarkey so now I still have my bastard phone. I brought it in because it had several technical issues like the fact that whenever I restarted my phone it would resend all of my old text messages thus making me look like an idiot to everyone in my contacts. It didn’t download picture messages due to an “unknown error”. The camera took waaaaay too long to take a picture. The lock button works funny. The keyboard has typing issues. Soo many things. Jessica bitched about her lame phone and Tmobile was like “Oh let us give you a new one” but when I bitched about the SAME phone…they told me they would have to update my current phone ans that I didn’t need a new one. Which is funny cuz I pay insurance each month for that phone as well as the money I pay each month on my warranty..so you’d think they would just give me a NEW one since it would cost them nothing at all but nay. They took my phone in the back for 30 minutes while they “ran an update” and of course the entire time I was worried about them lurking through all the pictures on my phone of me half-nekkid or with a dick in my mouth. Handing over my phone like that felt like someone was reading my diary lol I didn’t like it. So now my phone is updated which means that I guess they changed the color of the text message box or something lame like that. Not much of an update really…it’s the same stupid-non-working phone I had before but now the onscreen keyboard is “pretty”. Quite the update Tmobile. Thanks a bunch. Pig fucking sons of bitches.

Reliving My Youth (drunk at the park) September 12, 2011

Greetings my little love muffins!!! Welcome to yet another blog post from yours truly. I had a nice weekend so I decided to make a wee post about it so without further adieu, I bring you…words:

My weekend began on a pretty unexciting note. I made cookies and went grocery shopping. Then as I was sitting at home, minding my own business, my older brother called me and this was the conversation:

Me: Herrooooo?

Jeff: Hey! What’s up? What are you doin?

Me: Nothin…just watching South Park. What’s goin on with you?

Jeff: Not much, I just wanted to call and say “I love you” but i’ll let you get back to your show. Bye.

Now at this point the look on my face is that of sheer confusion and bewilderment. My brother is 4 years olde than me and growing up he and I didn’t really get along and to say that is an understatement. It would be more appropriate to say that I’m shocked neither of us is in therapy now. We get along better now that we are older but not to the point where we call eachother up and say “I love you man!” So as soon as I hung up the phone my mind started to crank a bit and the first thought I had was “He is going to kill himself or something..that can be the only logical reason as to why he would call just for the sole purpose of telling me he loves me.” Is that sad? lol My own brother can’t even call to say something nice without me thinking it’s him giving me his last farewell. I called him back and bluntly said “You confused me and now I think you are going to off yourself, are you ok.?” He laughed at me then assured me he had no intention of ending his life and that he just wanted to call me. He then told me that he just watched the film Your Highness so maybe all the pot smoking in said movie reminded him of me, who knows. It was odd though. The next day I had to go run “adult” errands. I got my car smogged so that I could re-register my plates which was not so bad. I had never done that on my own before so I half expected the mechanic to try and overcharge me but nay, all was good. Then I had to go to the DMV but thank little baby Jesus I went to one that had a Kiosk so I was in and out of that bitch in under 10 minutes. After that I decided to go to Joann’s Fabric store to buy little sparkley things to glue onto my bedroom mirror and I saw this fucking thing:

What does that even MEAN? Like…are you on fire in your pants for Jesus? I am confused. After that I went home to get ready for a night out with my two favorite females in Las Vegas Whitney and Jessica. Most of you from Twitter already know Jessica from all of our tweets to eachother but Whitney is a girl I have known since 6th grade which was about…14 or 15 years ago. I suck at math but you get the general idea, she is my oldest and dearest friend. One of my first memories of Whitney is her coming out to me in 7th grade which didn’t surprise me at all cuz the Spice Girls were big at the time and she really liked them. I mean REALLY liked them, so I kinda already knew before she told me lol We went to a local bar near my place and had a few drinks. The three of us basically hung out there in the dining room talking for hours and annoying everyone else into leaving the room. I guess our combined awesomeness was too much for the muppets to handle.

Then we went and hung out in the parking lot so Whitney could smoke her cigarettes and I could smoke my reefer lol Things got a little weird:

Whitney had to go home cuz she had to work the next day but me and Jessica were all fired up on weed and Long Island Ice teas so we went to another bar downtown called Don’t Tell Momma. If you ever come to Vegas please go there, I love this place. They always have hot gay men playing the piano and awesome drinks I can’t pronounce the name of. Good times. After that bar we went to a park near Jessica’s place and hung out there being children and drunkenly doing gymnastics on the play bars.

Weeee

Aaaand then we took a picture of our butts. Jessica was reluctant at first cuz she had on what she referred to as “giant grandma panties” but she did it anyway and we love her for that. She has much cuter panties than this but I caught her on an off day so let’s not hold it against her 😉

I'm the one in the red and white 😀

When we were in high school and didn’t have anyplace else to go to drink my friends and I always hung out at the parks around town and got drunk. That is pretty much how we spent all of our weekends from grade 10 until about age 21 when drinking wasn’t fun anymore cuz it became legal and much easier to do. I can take you to any park in Vegas and show you a place where have a memory. “Right over there is where I threw up after too much vodka..oh! and right over here, I blacked out and woke up half naked with a bus ticket to Idaho in my pocket.”

Sunday was a pretty laid back day, I nursed my hangover with weed and gatorade then played video games almost all day. I kept switching off between GTA Vice City and Sonic Mega Collection for the Gamecube. The only thing I did all day that involved any effort was baking a ham for dinner like the domesticated animal that I am. I hope you all have a great day and thanks for reading my randomness 😀

The Blog Buffet August 23, 2011

I have so many things to tell you all and I don’t want to make separate blogs for them so I am cramming it all into one glorious overload of information about all kinds of malarkey. My weekend started off on a pretty sad note and before I get into it I just want to post this little disclaimer : I don’t want you to be sad for me. I don’t want any “Oh poor baby” shit, I am fine. I am totally o.k and deal with stuff like this very well so I am just sharing with you guys. Don’t be sad 🙂 So Saturday my Grandmother passed away. She was my mother’s mother. I just lost my other Grandmother a few months ago too so now I am officially without any grandparents. When my grandma Isabelle passed a little while back I was devastated because not only was this the first time I had ever dealt with the death of a loved one but she practically raised me. She lived with us from the time I was born until I was about 17 years old so losing her was like losing my mom.

My Grandma Isabelle. She was a little firecracker 🙂

This time around when my Grandma Elaine died I was sad but not as much for a few reasons. The main reason I was not that sad was because she was suffering everyday. She had a cerebral aneurysm about 4 months ago and has been getting progressively worse since it happened so to hear that she is finally resting and no longer in pain is a relief to me. I also know that she was a very VERY religious woman so she was not afraid to die. She knew it was coming and she was ready to go be with my Grandpa again which is what she truly believed and I find comfort in that. More than anything I was sad for my mom. I was already on my way to my parent’s house on Saturday when my brother called me to tell me what happened and I was fully prepared to show up and be a pillar of strength. I convinced myself that I was not going to cry and I was going to be strong for my mom and just hold her while she cried. That didn’t quite work out lol As soon as I came in the door she looked over at me with her puffy red eyes and sobbed “Oh my peanut!!” and just started bawling in my arms so of course that broke me. One of my parent’s nicknames for me is peanut cuz well..I have a peanut shaped head. On a more serious note, I must say that I have never been so heartbroken as I was upon seeing my mother’s face that day. There are no words to explain what it feels like to see your mommy in that kind of pain and not be able to do anything about it but hug them and tell them it will be o.k eventually. It killed me. I just kept telling her all the cliche things like “she isn’t in pain anymore” and “she is with grandpa”. What else do you say? There are really no words in the English language that makes the death of your loved one seem less horrible so all you can do is provide comfort and a shoulder to cry on. She is in Minnesota right now with the rest of my family and I wish I could be with her 😦 But as I said before, don’t be sad for me because I am fine. I deal with death pretty well.

Now onto a more light -hearted topic, I did my first photo shoot last night!! Usually when I say I’m taking pictures it involves me in my bathroom mirror taking self shots of my ass while my cat walks around in the background but this time someone else was taking pictures! It was all for a clothing company that was in town for the Magic Clothing Convention and a buddy of mine from LA works for them so when he asked if I would model their stuff I say yes. Actually, I’m pretty sure I said “fuck yes” but that is beside the point. I was just excited to have my picture taken with a camera that wasn’t attached to a cell phone. It was a nice change. There is a bit of a weed theme to the clothing too so it was perfect for me. Not only that but the logo is a V. Oh yes, V for VUKO! (vuko isn’t really the actual name of the company but how rad would that be, right?) After taking the pics we smoked a blunt and I gave my boy a ride to the MGM. Now..we were supposed to be there to pick up ONE dude. Just one. But when we got there I had 5 half drunk dudes bombard my tiny Kia and they proceeded to pile into my car. It was pretty funny actually, seeing 5 grown men try to squeeze into my backseat. I had me and Aaron in the front, 3 dudes in the back seat and 2 dues in the hatch back portion of my car. Packed, yes? After they all got in we headed over to the Palms since that was were they were going to be partying that night. If you have ever been to Vegas you know that when driving down the Strip there is always that one car that is full of people and the car itself is bouncing up and down as the people inside dance to the blaring music that is pouring out of the open windows. I was that car last night and it was such comedy. One of the dudes even busted out a rap on the way to the Palms about “being in the back of Vuko’s car in Vegas”. It was pretty magical. I dropped the kids off at the Palms, thanked Aaron for being so awesome by taking my pics, then went home to wash off  the pound of makeup I had on. I was pretty hyper when I got home that night so I just smoked a bowl and watched Dawn of The Dead until the sleep was upon me. I don’t have any pictures of the shoot but when I get them, you bet your sweet ass I will post them here. And on Tumblr. And…Twitter cuz I just can’t help myself. All I have is a picture of the neat stickers I got for the clothing brands.

Steeeckers

OH! I almost forgot, when I went to my parent’s house Saturday my mom had a bunch of pictures in a box for me to check out and here are some of the gems from that box.

Here I am being awkward. I was about 13? Maybe 14

 

Oh yeah, I had maaaaad style. Fresh Prince lookin ass.

Age 15, being grumpy in my Batman shirt

From a young age it was clear I was destined to pose for trampy pictures.

My hatred for pants began at an early age

Here I am inadvertently giving the international sign for "I eat pussy"

 

And I got this neat little friend in the mail from one of my AWESOME twitter followers that like to buy me crap that I am too cheap to buy myself.

Pretty 😀

And that just about covers it. I have had a very interesting past couple of days. I’ve gotta say I feel bad posting a picture of a diamond butt-plug in the same blog that mentions my family but I think they would understand lol My mind is always jumping from one random topic to another so my blog might as well reflect that 🙂 I hope you all have an awesome day! Thanks for reading.

 

LOOK AT MY BEAVER!! (trip) July 19, 2011

Hello everyone!! So this past weekend I took a wee camping trip to Beaver Utah. Our journey began on Saturday morning. We woke up at 8 and smoked a few bowls in the bong before kissing the cats goodbye and hopping into the car. The first half of the trip was not very visually appealing as the desert doesn’t provide much eye candy.

Whenever I take a drive through the Nevada desert I can’t help but think of the movie Tremors. I envision graboids sliding along under the desolate ground, waiting for Kevin Bacon to get off that boulder so they may feast upon him. Which raises the question: Would Kevin Bacon taste like bacon?  We then stopped in a small town to refuel the car with gas and refuel our bodies with beef jerky and orange soda. I could tell by looking at the sunken, tired faces of the locals that the only thing to do for fun in that town is meth.

The town school is the size of my high school cafeteria

Some small towns are adorable, some make you head back to the car swiftly so that you may leave and never return. Initially we had intended on going to the Great Basin National Park to camp but we had encountered some malarkey and had to readjust our plans a bit.

This is where we planned on going

Did you know there are only 3 campgrounds in the Great Basin National Park? All of which were completely occupied when we arrived on Saturday afternoon. We drove all over that park, and all the way up to the top of Wheeler Peak to find a campsite.

Wheeler Peak

They have 2 additional campgrounds for people with 4×4 vehicle but seeing as my Kia does not come standard with off roading capabilities, we passed on those options. The ranger suggested we stay at a motel to which I laughed. If I wanted to sleep in a bed, I would have stayed at home sir. We headed back to Baker to get gas for the car and rethink our next move when we saw a sign telling us we were a mere hundred miles from Beaver which is a small town in Utah located next to a giant mountain that is covered in lakes. I had never been there before but my boyfriend’s father used to take him fishing in those lakes often so we decided to just go to Beaver so we headed out into Utah. Mormon country. As soon as we had crossed the line into Utah, unease began to settle in. “What are the marijuana laws like here” I wondered, as we sped along the copper colored stretch of road. “Should we outrun the pigs and make a break for the Nevada state line? Why am I thinking of Dukes Of  Hazard like scenarios?” I also wondered why the road is red in Utah.

Paved with the blood of non-believers

At this point it was about 6pm so I was worried we wouldn’t be able to reach the campground before dark but sure enough, we got there around 8:30 and the sun was still up. For some reason, the sun didn’t go down where we were until after 9:30pm. I have noo idea why that is, i’m sure it has something to do with the elevation but I was a bit mind blown by that. We stayed at Kents Lake campground and this place is officially my new favorite camping getaway. This mountain is covered in trees, flowers, and creeks and is home to many deer and even a few beavers, hence the name of the mountain.

This is what I saw when I unzipped the tent in the morning 🙂

The Host of the campground was an adorable little old man. When we were paying for the site we handed him exact change and he commented that “Oh I love exact change, those people from Vegas always have the hundred dollar bills.” We then laughed and told him we are in fact from Las Vegas but we have been camping enough to know you need to bring small bills to pay for the site. We left Sunday afternoon and it’s funny that it took us 8 hours to get there and only 3 hours to get home. Madness. It’s also funny how different camping is now that I am no longer the child along for the ride but the adult in charge of the trip. Being able to not only choose the location but the food you get to bring and how you are going to get there. Being responsible for packing the car up and washing the clothes once you get home. I even noticed changes in my thought process. When we were on the drive up we happen to be behind a U-Haul and instead of just ignoring it and looking out at the trees outside my window I was reading the information on the U-Haul and thinking to myself how efficient the new lower loading dock on the vehicle is. I am slowly but surely turning into a boring adult. I am fighting it though, making sure I spend as much time as humanly possible on the couch in my underwear avoiding all forms of responsibility. So that was my trip! I ate steak cooked over an open flame, I fucked in the forest, and I came home from the woods refreshed and ready to get back to work in the city. If you haven’t gone camping in a long time I highly suggest planning a trip, even if it’s for one night. We all need a break sometimes and taking a break in nature just seems like the most natural way to spend your free time 🙂

Half n Halfs and Subtitles July 5, 2011

I was watching some ‘adult films’ with my boyfriend last night and a thought occurred to me. Ya know when you are watching a really hot scene and the two people keep whispering stuff to eachother and you can’t tell what they are saying, but you can tell it’s something sexy? You can’t exactly ask the actors to speak up since yelling “Your cock feels so good!” makes it lose it’s sexiness and also makes you look a little crazed so my suggestion is subtitles in porn. Closed captioning maybe? Not in the sense that it is in the porn and you can’t change it but just offer that as a special feature like have an option that says: “To Hear The Dirty Talk, Click Here!” or something lol I don’t know man, SOMEthing. Does this already exist in porn? I wonder if the closed captioning on my t.v can pick up the subtle words of naughtiness being uttered into the ears of hot adult film stars…hmm.Maybe they aren’t saying anything sexy at all. Perhaps they are having deep philosophical debates about quantum mechanics and chemical engineering. You may think they are saying things like “oh baby I love that cock” but in all actuality they are really saying “oh baby I love that renal chloride re-absorption.”  That is probably where the term ‘Talk nerdy to me’ originated. Hyper-Intelligent porn stars.

"You are such a hot mass of hydrocarbon baby"

On a side note, I have lately been perfecting my hand-job skills. I already feel as though my blowies are up to par so I just have to work on the old-fashioned. I’ve recently started doing what I refer to as a ‘half-n-half’. This basically entails you blowing him until your jaw starts to hurt then you switch into a hand job to finish him off so it’s half a blowie and half a hand job 🙂 My boyfriend seems to really enjoy this new technique of mine so I suggest trying it out at home with your lover, if you haven’t already. I’m sure people have been doing this for years and years but it’s new to me and plus I gave it a cute name so booya.

New Years Eve in Las Vegas July 1, 2011

 

At the closing of each year people all over the world, regardless of race or religious beliefs all celebrate a global holiday. One final party to say farewell to the past and welcome in the future with open, and typically drunken arms. I speak of course about New Years Eve. New Years is one of the very few holidays in existence that is celebrated by not just one group like Americans on the Fourth of July and Christmas for only those that believe in it but by all the people of the world. This truly makes it a special event. Knowing that all across the globe, people are ringing in the New Year in their own towns gives one a sense of togetherness and unity. Some cities make New Years Eve into the biggest party of the year like the well known mass gathering at Times Square in New York where they traditionally drop the giant ball as the clock strikes midnight. Las Vegas has been giving New York a run for it’s money in the past several years in terms of the ultimate party destination for New Years Eve by bringing in the biggest names in entertainment and throwing the most talked about bashes at the top clubs. New Years Eve in Vegas is truly a sight to be seen. Thousands upon thousands of people flooding the Vegas Strip turning the once traffic ridden street into a living river of bodies. The lines at the nightclubs go from slightly long to “Sweet lord, look at that line!”. If you do plan on coming to Vegas for New Years I highly suggest planning ahead. By which I mean figure out what you want to do when you arrive at least 2-3 weeks in advance. If you are waiting it out to see which celebrity will be at which club you may be out of luck as most clubs don’t release their guest host until a week prior to the actual event date. They have also been known to simply say they will have a “surprise host” leaving you to only guess who will be there so trying to plan around a certain celeb isn’t the best way to go. I recommend picking the venue first. Look around online and see which clubs appear as though they will suit your group best based upon the pictures and reviews from past clientele on websites like Yelp. Also keep in mind that regardless of where you go, you will be spending some money so make sure it’s at a place you enjoy so that you won’t be left with the bitter thoughts of “If I knew I was gonna spend this much I would have gone to *** instead!”

 

{I had written this post for our companies website and liked it so I wanted to share on my personal blog}

Zombie Prom!!! June 27, 2011

Hello my Loves!!! Did you have a nice weekend? Has anyone asked you yet if you are suffering from a case of the Mondays? Did you resist the urge to sock that person in the jaw? Good for you! Well I don’t know about you guys but I had a pretty kick-ass weekend. As most of you already know from my previous blog post and numerous tweets, I attended the annual Zombie Prom on Friday and it was AWESOME. I ended up picking the purple dress from our dress hunt because as I said, it felt like the dress that Prince would have picked….had he been shopping with me at Goodwill. Which would have been rad. But I digress. After work on Friday I went home and me and Jessica (my bestie and date for ZP) started getting ready immediately. Well, almost immediately. First we had to smoke the awesome new bong that my lover bought us.

Zee Bong

Then Jessica torso danced on my couch like the goofball that she is. Which is yet another reason I lurve her so dam much 🙂

After the upper-body dancing had ended it was then time to put on the layers of makeup necessary to make us look like undead bitches. Oh…but first we did this:

EXTREME DUCKLIPPING!!

We are currently practicing for the Extreme Ducklipping competition that is to be held in the fall of this year. I hear it’s even gonna be an Olympic sport now. Anywho, we did eventually start getting ready and it looked something like this:

Annnnnd here is the finished product of the hour and half makeup applications:

This is what I looked like when we were done 🙂

Meeeeeeeeeeee

Aaaaaaaaaaaand this is what my sink looked like when we were done lol

Suuuuch a mess. Fake skin and blood eeeeverywhere.

After we got ready we got into my car..very carefully so as not to get too much crap all over the inside of my car meaning I didn’t want zombie makeup all over my seats but, meh. What can ya do. It was inevitable. Once we got the Downtown, which is where the Zombie Prom was being held, we parked the car and began the loong walk to the Bunkhouse. Now…idk why we chose to park so very far but, well, we did. We had to walk a few blocks dressed as zombies so naturally ever 5 minutes we got some random dude trying to talk to us and we ignored all of them except for one guy who said “Heeey vampires!!” to which I said “ZOMBIES!” I am not a fucking pussy vampire you asshole. I am a zombie god dam it. Once we got there we had a few drinks and waited for my brother to show up with his friends. We were pretty much drunk by the time they got there lol

Daaaaaruuuunk

This is me and my big brother Jeff 🙂

Yeah...he is such a ladies man 😛

Me and Ashley

This is me and Ashley a girl I have known since high school and she is amazing. In fact, she is so cute, here is a gratuitous picture of her:

And now back to the zombie prom lol This dude was there which was great and he had dressed like a lady.

They also had a bunch of live bands which was awesome. The bands consisted mostly of angry women which is fine with me, I love pissed of chick rockers yelling incoherently into the mic while flipping off the audience, woooooo!

After awhile I started to get restless so me and Jessica went to get McDonalds. We spent the rest of the evening smoking a joint and drunkenly eating fast food in my car which was a great way to end the night. Then I went home and took a nice drunk shower and let me say, showering when you are shit-faced is way more fun than a sober shower.

STOP, shower time

I think from now on I am gonna get wasted before each of my showers just to make them more interesting. This is what my car looked like the next day:

Note the "this is where I put out the joint" mark and the fake skin everywhere lol

The next day I woke up with a suuuuper lame hangover so I spent most of the day being extra lazy. I laid on the couch eating chocolates and watching Tales From The Hood.

I also got this foxy little outfit in the mail over the weekend and decided to put it on for my man so when he came home from work he would walk in the door and see his woman dressed like a tramp 🙂 He works at a nightclub where he is surrounded by hot sluts that are all sauced up on vodka and looking to fuck so I like to be sure and remind him that he doesn’t need to go out for burgers when he has a steak at home 😉

I also noticed my left arm is pretty much an entirely different color than the rest of my body

lol This is because when I drive home from work mon-fri the sun hits my left arm and only my left arm so it has tanned and made it look as though my arm doesn’t belong to me. It makes me feel like Wrath from the anime Full Metal Alchemist. If you have never seen that show, go watch it now because it is fucking amazing and once you finally see Wrath the joke I just made will totally make sense and you will “lol” and it will be good. And that is all I have to say about thaaaat. So have a wonderful day and even if you are having a shitty day you should cheer up because life is good 🙂 Don’t believe me? Check this out:

I don’t even know what this is, or where you can get one, but all I know is that looking at this gives me hope for tomorrow. It let’s me know “hey, don’t be sad. The world is full of stuff like this. One day..you shall nom on this.” And that gives me strength to get through each day. Some people have God, I have cakes and pies.