Just The Girl Next Door (if she hunted zombies and watched porn)

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Sinisterly Bad November 21, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — vukizzle @ 11:02 pm

Yesterday I went onto my Twitter page and asked my followers/friends if they had any suggestions on good horror movies to watch as I was in a mood for spookyness. I got numerous suggestions, most of which were to watch films I had already seen but one name seemed to pop up more than any other and that film is called Sinister. I downloaded the movie bought it legally at some store of some kind then when I got home I snuggled up on the couch with my bong in hand, ready to subject my eyes to the impending gore. Little did I know I was about to sit through an hour and 26 minutes of the wrong movie. Oh yes, I had mistakenly downloaded purchased a movie called Sinister that had come out in 2011 and not the newer film which came out this year. I didn’t even realize I had the wrong film until afterwards when I said to myself “That can’t be right..that movie was way too crappy” and googled it to find out if there were in fact more than one version of this movie and sure enough, there was. Just how bad was the version I watched? Let me paint you a picture:

The movie begins with a middle-aged brunette woman (with severely fried hair) getting into very minor traffic collision with a spooky gentleman rocking dreadlocks and a half shaved head who is also driving a hearse because he is a fucking weirdo and that is what weirdos do I guess. Shaved head man then puts a curse on fried hair lady to seek vengeance for…well…putting a tiny dent in his creepy vehicle. It becomes more and more evident as the film progresses that shaved head man is in dire need of some anger management therapy because he curses anyone that even slightly annoys him. Fat guy bumps into him on the stairs so he curses fat man and said fatty gets hit by a car. A woman was rude to him so he made a voodoo doll of her and drowned her and her less than impressive titties in the bathtub. Now look, I can dig that people suck sometimes and if I had a dollar for every time I wanted to Galick Gun somebody I would be Oprah rich but geez dude, you can’t just murder everyone who annoys you in the slightest way. Sitting there in your weird voodoo room, lighting candles, chanting, and painting your finger nails black while you hex others is just not kosher. I’d also like to point out that this movie was extremely low-budget. Like the “let’s grab Uncle Joe-Bob’s camera and go film a movie in my rich dad’s house” kind of low-budget. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing as a movie doesn’t have to cost millions to make in order to be good but this movie was just sooo poorly filmed and edited that it was painful to watch but let’s get back to the “plot”. The girl with fried hair goes home and starts to notice creepy things happening to her like bells in other rooms ringing when nobody is around, the piano begins to play itself which is also just suuuper original (she said sarcastically), and she starts to see things that aren’t there like bugs in her bed, shadows, etc. At one point she awakens to find her bed covered in cockroaches, but does she scream and jump out of the bed? Nope. She stares at the bugs and makes weird faces that one can only assume was meant to portray being frightened. The acting was so crap-ass that I can’t be sure what anyone was feeling at any point as they all had the emotional range of a llama. The guy they hired to play the lead girl’s brother was so bad that he had to have been someones stoner cousin that they had to put into the film for family reasons. In fact, I don’t think they even paid him cash, there had to have been some form of bartering like they traded his poor acting skills in the film for 3 bags of Cool Ranch Doritos. Possibly a sandwich or two. The brother is the one who actually goes to confront the shaved head voodoo man about hexing his sister and brings a gun which is quickly and laughably taken from him. Stoner cousin and shaved head man then battle it out for control of the gun which is tossed aside and the epic fight (lol) ends with stoner stabbing shaved head in the neck with a pair of scissors, thus killing the guy and ending the curse he had placed on fried hair lady. Rejoice, for it is now over. You may be asking yourself, “If it was so bad then why did she sit through the whole movie?” It’s because I thought I had downloaded the Sinister movie suggested to me by my twitter friends and they have never let me down when it comes to recommendations. I have so much faith in them that I sat through the worst movie im existence telling myself “It has to get good eventually, they would never suggest such a bad movie to me” not knowing that I was watching the wrong movie with the same name. So now I will try to get the newer version of Sinister and watch it since the people on Twitter thought it was worth seeing and hope that I don’t end up with the third version of the movie shot with a cell phone camera in the parking lot of a McDonald’s. I can only hope. And now I bring you, the trailor for one of the worst films I have ever seen which is saying a lot considering I sat through Dollman Vs The Demonic Toys:

On a more personal note, I’d like to take a moment to wish all of you a happy early Thanksgiving 🙂 My mom works tomorrow so my family is having dinner tonight. My dad asked me to bring a veggie dish so I am going to go home and make ratatouille before I head over there for dinner. I’ve only made it once before but it came out really good so I’m looking forward to trying the recipe out again 🙂

I’d also like to share a funny little moment I had the other day. I was waiting for the elevator at The Mandalay Bay and as I was going to get on, there were about 4 guys stepping out and as they passed me the alpha muppet made a comment to me saying “Hey girl..oh hey you remember me? I remember you.” Of course we had never met but you boys do like to get creative with your attempted wooing. Typically when guys say dumb shit to me I ignore it and walk away without making eye contact but I was feeling saucy that night so I stopped, pivot around on my heels and said as I pointed to him “Holy shit I DO remember you. How the heck are ya? How are the kids doing? God, it’s been so long!” You should have seen the look on his face. His underlings turned to him for his reaction but he just stared at me for a moment in disbelief then said as he nodded his head “Ok….Ok, that was a good one.” I turned away then got onto the elevator to find an older couple looking at me. I smiled at them and said with a shrug “Kids these days, I tells ya.”

Have a SAFE and happy holiday everyone and as always, be excellent to each other ❤