Without question two of the most well-known and loved video games in history are the Mario titles and The Legend of Zelda series. Both have not only been around for years but continue to reinvent themselves with newer graphics and better story lines, providing us a chance to grow with the games we all played since we could hold a controller. As a whole, each game has something very different to offer yet both revolve around the same basic principle of an rpg where you have to save the day. This begs the question which I am sure all of you have brought up in conversation at least once in your life: Which is the better hero? Now seeing as how I have been in a long-term, serious relationship with both Mario and Link I refuse to pick which one I prefer so in this blog I will simply provide the facts about each hero and match them up so that you may make your own decision as to who reigns supreme in the video game world.
I’d like to begin with the reason for their quests. As we all know Mario is always on a mission to save Princess Peach. Each game from the original on NES to the recent Wii version has revolved around Mario going from world to world in hopes of reaching his lovely and easily kidnappable honey. Persistent little bastard, isn’t he? You’d think that after the first 4 times it happened he would just give up and say “let the bitch save herself for once” but nooo. He always fights for his woman. Now Link on the other hand has a bit of a more noble cause. He is out to save the world from the evil Ganondorf. Sure there is a princess involved and at some point he usually rescues her but he is not just out to get the girl back like Mario. He saves the world and just happens to save her while he’s at it. Link is good at multitasking. So which is “better”? The guy who always comes through for his lady-love or the guy who saves the entire world from utter destruction? I think Link takes this round.
Next up we have the babes of these beloved games, Peach and Zelda. Peach is the beautiful blond with the pink dress that always annoys the shit out of you when playing Mario Kart causing you to yell out “Get out of my way you whore!” at the t.v. She is also the number one girl in the life of Mario. She apparently is super rich but can’t afford an ADT security system cuz Bowser is always breaking in and stealing her away to like, I don’t know, read her his memoir or something cuz it never looks as though she has been harmed or even touched once you rescue her. She never really does anything in the game other than give Mario blue-balls with her PG “thank you for spending the last week of your life trying to save me” smooches. Zelda is more involved when it comes to the games. As you’ll remember from Twilight Princess she even aides you in destroying Ganon in the final boss fight. She has an active role in all of the games and provides Link with helpful weapons and tools like the Ocarina of Time. Plus she has a way better hairstyle than Peach. It’s 2011 girl, lose the Farrah Fawcett flip.
Speaking of weapons, I’d like to now discuss the difference in weapons between the two games. Link always has a buffet of things to kill people with. Anything from a boomerang to his trusty sword or even magic like Din’s Fire. In some games he is even able to transform into another creature to use a unique skill or ability like in Majora’s Mask when he was able to turn into a Zora, Goron, and Deku Scrub or in Twilight Princess when he could become a wolf. Mario also has the ability to change with the use of his magic feather and his frog suit which allows him to swim easily in water levels. As for weapons Mario uses little other than his feet and his head. He likes to keep it simple I suppose, and not be weighed down by all those weapons which is why he can jump so high I guess. Mario also has the invincibility star that let’s him run around and kill everything he touches which is pretty neat.
What’s a hero without their sidekick right? Well Mario has one hell of a sidekick when it comes to his pal Luigi. He is always there for you to finish that level you couldn’t beat or grab that coin you missed. Sure, he doesn’t get as much pussy as Mario but Luigi is just as important dam it! Even though he doesn’t do much. At least having a lazy sidekick is better than one that is constantly yelling “Hey LISTEN!” into your ear hole when you are trying to open a dungeon door. Sure Navi is Link’s super annoying little fairy friend but at least she is helpful (sometimes). Navi wasn’t even featured in all the games as Midna became Link’s temporary helper in the Gamecube title Twilight Princess and in Wind Waker you had a talking boat. So which is better? A useless plumber in green overalls or a glittery little whore that won’t shut up?
Next we have their transportation/pets. Link likes to ride around on his trusty stead Epona (named for the Goddess of horses/donkeys) who made her first appearance at Lon Lon Ranch in the 64 version of the game Ocarina Of Time and has since been extremely helpful in bringing Link quickly to his destinations instead of running around for hours like Forrest Gump. Mario prefers to ride a dinosaur around named Yoshi (named after the God of Yoshing I guess). Yoshi not only provides Mario with a mode of transportation but he actually assists in the killing of enemies with his freakishly long tongue. Epona is great but she won’t deepthroat a Goomba for you so I think this one goes to Mario.
Lastly we bring you the villains of the games. Who wouldn’t love to see a cage-fight between Bowser and Ganon? This little nerd would. Bowser is an ancient, eeeevil dinosaur that likes to swoop on other men’s women while Ganon is a megalomaniac hellbent on taking over the world with the power of the Triforce. I think I am more frightened of the dude that wants to take over the world than I am of some home-wrecking fossil. This one goes to Link.
There you have it! I have matched them up with the facts and now you can decide for yourself which hero rocks your socks. The Italian guy who rides a dinosaur and won’t stop coming to the rescue or a dude with spock ears, a horse and a sword that allows you to travel through time. Let me know in a comment who your favorite is and why 🙂