Over the years my birthdays have been known to, well, for lack of a better word “suck”. They sucked pretty hard actually. I have a tendency to either be sick on my birthday or run into
some other form of malarkey that ruins the celebration of my day of birth so now that I am a grown up and somewhat in charge of my life I am making it a point to make all of my birthdays
wonderful and memorable so this year I decided to plan a trip to California to see the beach since I have only been to the beach once in my life. I didn’t really know where in Cali to go so I just did a google image search on Cali beaches until I found one that looked perfect and the name of this beach was Pismo. Bugs Bunny was always going on about it so I figured if it’s good enough for one of my childhood icons, it is good enough for me. We woke up Friday morning and packed all the stuff into the car, set our route with the glory that is my GPS application and went on our merry way 🙂
Our first pit stop was Barstow for gas and a smoke break. In Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas I remember that on their way to Vegas from Cali it was ” somewhere around Barstow, on the edge of the desert, when the drugs began to take hold” So I figured it was only appropriate that we do some drugs in Barstow. We got baked in Barstow which kinda sounds like a movie. Baked In Barstow: A thrilling tale of one girl and her bong, against the world! (In theatres May 27th)
We were only side-tracked one time on the trip. We were in the middle of nowhere when we came over a hill and saw a car pulled over with their flashers on. As we approached they sped off but right where the car was, there now stood a dog. Immediately we think this person just drove into the middle of butt-fuck-nowhere to abandon their dog so we had to stop. The plan was to get the dog in the car and take him to the nearest town so that he wouldn’t get hit by a car on the interstate or starve to death or get eaten by Lemmings, or whatever else that is bad that can happen. We tried for about 45 minutes to get this dog in the car but he was so scared he just would not come with us. When we went to leave he would come after us but when we stopped again to let him in, he just got scared again. Whatever those people did to him obviously traumatized the poor thing. We finally gave up and left when cars started to come behind us and we convinced ourselves that the dog just ran away from one of the nearby farms or something because to think that someone actually left him there to die is too heartbreaking. It may have been a dumb idea to try to pick up a random dog considering he could have been sick, or bitten one of us but I just felt like I HAD to at least try to do something.
We stopped in San Luis Obispo for food and found this hot dog place called Frank’s. Appropriate, yes? They had some awesome hot dogs, let me tell you. I got a bacon and cheese dog since bacon is sent from The Universe to make our lives better so naturally I had to order something with that on it.
The only thing that sucked about this place was the little teen whores next to us. Just a group of 5 of the most “look at me, look at me!!!” girls I have ever been near. Ya know the kind, those girls who didn’t get enough attention from their daddy so they go out in public and act loud and obnoxious to get attention. They did not shut up the entire time we were there and the conversation was just riveting. They went from “Oh my gawd you guys, let’s just drive to Vegas! Let’s do it.” to “when we got bored, we used to go through the drive-thru naked *tee hee*”. For one thing, I highly doubt your boring small town ass has ever gone through any drive-thru naked. Secondly…that’s kinda lame and whore-ish so…why be proud? But I digress. Once we finally got to Pismo and reached the hotel we went in to pay for it when we encountered a “slight” issue. *sigh* Here goes: Last Friday I paid off my credit card so that I could use it to pay for the room since the place I wanted to use required a CC for bookings. The person I spoke to told me to call back on Monday to ensure that the card was good to go for use so, like an adult, I called them Monday morning and spoke with an associate. This bitch told me, and I quote “Your card is fine for use now ma’am.” I wanted to be very very clear to avoid problems so I asked her again, “So I can go use my card right now and won’t have a problem?” To which this chick said “Yes ma’am”. So after hearing it twice I had assumed (crazy me) that my card was o.k for use but when I went to pay for the room it was declined. Imagine my dismay. So I called Bank of America, at midnight, trying to fix this issue and they have the balls to tell me “Oh your card was closed a year ago.” Oh? So then all the payment I have been making on it are going…where? And when I told them about the two phone calls I made to make sure my card was ok this doucher says “I’m very sorry but that information was incorrect.” So picture me, sitting in my car in the middle of the night in California suddenly realizing I have nowhere to stay for the night and none of the money on my card I had planned on using so naturally I began to cry like a baby for about 30 minutes until my boyfriend and I realized we can stay at Motel 6 (ew) with cash and a valid ID because cheap ass motels don’t require a credit card…thank GOD. So after getting the room we then had to call home and have family wire us more money so we could actually be in California for my birthday on sunday which was the whole point of this trip in the first place. I am supposed to call and talk to some “credit analyst” about getting my card turned back on but I am avoiding that because I am so mad at that bank that if I spoke with them now I would just spend an hour yelling at the person on the phone screaming about what Nazis they are and that If I put MY money on that card, you better
let me use MY mother fucking money or I swear to Lennon I will stab you in the neck whilst you sleep. See, I’m still mad about it. This is why I have yet to call them back lol But seriously, if you tell me my card is fine when it’s not, this is a big problem. This almost ruined my entire trip and at this point I am pretty much done with Bank of America cuz they have never, ever provided me with helpful or ACCURATE information so they can honestly kiss the fattest part of my tight little white ass. FUCK BANK OF AMERICA. Thankfully we have a lot of people in our lives we can depend on so we got the money wired to us in the morning and the trip was saved.
Once we were finally in the room I took a shower, smoked a fat bowl then passed the fuck out. I didn’t gently rest my head on the pillow and fall asleep, my dome crashed into the feathery nest of pillow and my brain immediately shut off. Paaaaassssed the fuck out. I woke up the next day with a smile on my face and a much better attitude so we got ready to go out and drove around looking for a place to have breakfast and stopped at this adorable cafe called The Shell Cafe which had a great view of the ocean and amazing food. I got biscuits and gravy cuz I guess I was feeling a little bit country that day.
It’s amazing being in another place that is soo different from what you are used to. In Pismo the air smelled clean, the people were super friendly and happy, and there were flowers and trees everywhere instead of the graffiti and concrete I have become accustomed to in Vegas. After being there for roughly 10 hours, I was ready to move to this place. Not even joking. As we were leaving the Cafe I saw several senior citizens (that sounds nicer than “old people” i think lol) closing up a bake sale/antique sale thing and they were carrying a bunch of stuff that looked heavy so I asked them if they needed our help with anything and he just smiled and said “Why no thank young lady. I appreciate that though!” and he gave me a yellow balloon to say thank you lol
After breakfast I just wanted to see the water so we went right to the beach. The idea was to see the water for a minute then head back to the room and put on our bathing suits but once we were there I was so mesmerized that we ended up staying for like 4-5 hours which explains the awesome tan lines I have now. At the beach a lady bug landed on me and that thing didn’t leave for about 10 minutes. I was walking around the beach with my new buddy on my hand. I named it Eduardo.
When we finally got back to the room we showered..well actually we kinda rinsed off then started having sex in the shower, then on the counter, then the bed….and the desk. I blame the shower and the people who built it because why would you put that many handles and bars in a shower unless you wanted people to use it for the fuckage?
Anyway, after teh sexing we wanted to relax so we just hung out and watched HBO for a while then went out to have some drinks and explore the town.
We stopped at some random little bar and had a few drinks. I got all the fruity/froo froo drinks and my boyfriend drank 151 (ew).
Then my elbow decided the table was dirty and needed to be cleaned so it knocked over my water.
At one point I had to pee so I went to the restroom and when I came back my man busted out a rose for me, out of nowhere. Apparently when I was gone a random person came around the bar selling flowers so he bought me one as a surprise which was awesome. At first he didn’t tell me where he got it and my mind was blown trying to figure out how he got that flower in the short time I was gone.
We planned on going to sushi after drinks but the place was closed so we drove around and got lost for a while before settling for a burger place called Ocutta Burger and it was sooooooo good.
The next day was our final day and we had planned on getting up, getting food then going to the beach for a little bit before leaving but my man had suuuper bad sun burn and I was worried about him getting sick from sun poisoning cuz I worry like a 90 year old woman named Mabel so we just went to lunch at a place called the Cracked Crab which was AWESOME. They had those tables where you can draw all over them so naturally I started to doodle all over it like the 7 year old that I am.
My favorite part about this place was that you can get a bucket of seafood with crab, shrimp, sausage and whatever else you want for about $70 and they dump the bucket all over your table and let you go at it like a pack of wild dingoes and I am all about that.
We also got to meet the owner as he was walking around talking to everyone and making sure everyone was happy which is weird because I have never seen that happen in Vegas. The only time we see an owner/manager in Vegas is when someone fucks up soooo this was new. When we left we got more gas for the car and I saw this chick cleaning her entire car with the window squeegee they have to clean your window with at the pump. I just…I don’t know what to say about that.
After lunch we wanted to hit up Sequoia National park since it was only 4 hours away and kind of on the way home so we headed out going North on the 101 looking for exit 41. Sadly, we missed said exit…..by quite a bit. By which I mean I drove all the way to San Jose looking for the exit that we passed 4 hours prior. I am a very laid back person though so the fact that I “wasted” hours driving almost to San Francisco didn’t bother me. I felt like a jack ass, but I wasn’t mad. We laughed it off and tried to find the best way home then began the epic, eeeeepic drive home. To give you a better idea of what we did as far as driving this is the way we took home. Now feel free to laugh and call me an idiot but I blame my navigator lol I was driving, he should have been telling me where to go 😛
We didn’t get home until about 1:30/2:00 am and instead of packing, or bathing, I got naked and went to sleep because I had to wake up in a few hours for work. I just showered when I woke up today, threw my hair into pigtails and went to work, sans a bra. I didn’t even want to spend time looking for one of my bras, I just put on my Purple Rain shirt and gave no fucks. So I am going commando today with my boobs. I’m sure there is a name for that. Commando is when you are not wearing panties so what do we call being braless? Aside from “awesome” of course. Women burned their bras and refused to wear them in the hippie days so I think we should call being braless “women’s rights” lol No panties = Going Commando. No Bra = Going Women’s Rights. Someone put that shit in urban dictionary. And to make up for the lack of naughty pictures in this blog, which is the reason I’m sure most of you are reading it anyways, here is me sans the bra.
The only down side I could find to my birthday weekend was that someone I actually care about either forgot about my birthday or worse yet, they knew but simply didn’t care enough to take the 3 seconds out of their day to send me a text letting me know they give a shit about me but apparently not. Half of my brain is just angry and the other half is trying to convince me that the reason they didn’t text me was that they were in the hospital recovering from a rabid weasel attack. That seems logical right? It’s not that they don’t care about me, they were just nursing their weasel bites. Right? Right.