Mobile Douchery

You see them all over town. On your way to the grocery store,on your way to and from work. Decals on backs of car windows. I speak not of just any form of decal but of the special, extra douchey kind. First and most douche-tastic would be the “family portrait” decals. You know the ones, stick figure people lined up next to each other as if awaiting a firing squad. My question is why? Really now? Why do you feel the need to put the members of your family on display in stick form on your car window? Is that so when serial killers are driving behind you, stalking you home, they can more easily make a list of everyone you live with? And the pets….does Sparky really warrant his own special little puppy decal next to the fam? It’s not just stick figures either, oh no my friends, this crappy fad has branched out into other forms of lame such as flip flops and in a saaaad attempt at cool even little skulls.  Big skulls for mommy and daddy, little skulls for the junior douches. Another thing I seem to be seeing eeeeeverywhere that makes me shake my head in wonder is the GF (God First) stickers. As many of you know from reading my Twitter updates i’m pretty much anti-organized religion/cults so it’s easy to see why this sticker annoys me so very much. I just want to grab the person out of their car and sit them down to ask them things like “So you place ‘God’ first in your life over everything and everyone, including but not limited to your family and friends whom you KNOW exist and support you and are there for you not to mention um..yourself?” It amazes me how many people are under the spell of the flying spaghetti monster, but that rant is reserved for another blog.

Now i’d like to call your attention to the seasonal kind of mobile insanity. I know you have seen at least one car driving around near Christmas time, rocking the antlers. Oh yes, I shit you not: Antlers. They look like the flags people hang out their side windows on the car only instead of a lame little flag it’s antlers all festive and usually with jingley bells attached to them. I’d love to know what goes through the minds of these squares when they put the antlers on their car. Do they step back from their latest addition and think “Yes. That looks awesome. Now people will look at my car and think ‘wow, antlers! how unique and festive’ ” ?
I think this year around Christmas, when I see one of these muppets driving around I’m going to ask them what motivated them to buy such a thing and i’ll be sure to let you know what they say if I can restrain myself long enough from removing said antlers and beating the poor sap to death with them.